My Coming Out Plan

 Saturn, the no-nonsense disciplinarian, is set to go direct, Saturday, May 16th, 2009.

 According to Elsa of The Astrology Blog (http://www.elsaelsa.com/archives/2009/05/11/saturn-going-direct-on-may-16th-how-is-your-plan-coming/)

 “Saturn is about turn direct at which point we are all supposed to expend effort towards whatever goal we’ve set. Saturn is in Virgo so chances are the goals will be around Virgo-ruled things like health, diet, daily routine, communication or your work.

 The house Saturn is transiting also plays, for example Saturn transiting the 7th pressures you to get serious about relationships.”

Elsa asks, “How is Your Plan Coming?”

According to astrologers it takes two and one half years to pass through one astrological sign and 28 to 30 years to pass through the entire zodiac. I'm not sure where Saturn is in my life, though I'm assuming it’s in Virgo based on the mathematical equation that when I was born Saturn was in Pisces. Among other things, Saturn presides over the tenth house of career, profession, honors and fame. It is said that when Saturn leaves a particular astrological house and sign it leaves a present proportional to the amount of effort put forth related to that house and sign. Since December 2008, Saturn retrograde in Virgo has been about separating all that is valuable from the worthless. A Saturn retrograde period is not the time to start major new projects or open a new business. Instead, it is the time to reexamine and restructure projects and responsibilities we have already begun. I don't know how Saturn direct will affect me. I’m only hope the efforts I have put forth have been enough and that it will prove beneficial.

Saturn sets a serious and somber tone. As the ruling planet of Capricorn, Saturn rules discipline, law and order, all things restrictive, time, wisdom, stability, pain and suffering, accidents, loss in business, quarrels in family, sudden death, and all things old, dead or decaying, including old age. Truthfully, I don’t think Saturn acted alone in the destruction of my career February 12, 2008. I’m pretty sure Pluto, the planet of transformation, had a hand in the matter too. Still, it doesn’t seem as if Saturn has done much to help me move in a new direction, at least not yet. I’m still quietly waiting.

Saturn retrograde has helped me in many areas of health. For instance, for many years I’ve suffered horribly from allergies and food intolerances, which induced asthma attacks, caused chronic fatigue, overall body pain, and left me feeling irritable and crappy. Thankfully by taking my health more seriously and implementing a strict vegan diet I’ve managed to keep these issues under control. I suppose I could even view my work related injury as ultimately beneficial. Like many others, I too neglect my health in favor of long hours and either burn out or become incredibly sick. This time, however, I believe Pluto and Saturn conspired to create my first job-related injury ever, in an attempt to slow me down. Had the accident never happened, I might have pushed myself to the point of serious disease from which I may have never recover. I now realize work is important but futile without good health. My present goal is work/life balance.

Unfortunately, the journey back to work hasn’t been so promising. Lately I feel as if my feet are stuck in mud and every step is a struggle. If Saturn direct in Virgo represents daily routine, I might be in for a blessing. Unfortunately, or fortunately, my daily routine is pretty much non-existent.  Without a career, I’ve had little reason to get up. Consequently, I bounce back and forth from too much sleep and insomnia. Without meaningful work, depression lurks around every corner and requires constant vigilance. I spend most of my days puttering around the house trying to find something useful to do. The upside is I’ve learned how to better nurture my family and the importance of how a secure home attributes to roots and wings. Money is important yes. But it is valueless without love.

Many successful people say, “Follow your passions and the money will follow.” One of my many passions is writing. My Virgoan mother inspired my passion to want to write. Thirty-three years ago every student in my school was given a writing assignment. We were to produce a poem for the Bobcaygeon Horticultural Society. In all my years of education, I don’t ever recall asking my mother’s help with my schoolwork. The pride of an Aries often gets in the way. Yet for whatever reason and for whatever planet impacted me at the time, I reached out and asked my mother for help. Who would have ever known my mother was a poet. She seldom revealed the full foray of her talents opting to keep them locked away instead. Like a typical Virgo, she was the power behind the throne, the director whom you seldom ever meet, and the little voice of reason that whispers off to the side and in your ear. Mother never gave me the impression that writing was easy. Oftentimes, in the process of helping me to write my award-winning poem, she stared into the vastness of nature searching for inspiration and just the right word. Unfortunately, to an impatient Aries, the process was painfully slow and tiring. Thus in typical Aries fashion I often interjected with a thought, a word, or an interpretation of a much larger picture. Yet while I busied myself with the vastness of it all, it was mother who worked the details. To this day I still get caught up in the net of details. Details are contrary to the impulsive Aries way. Yet Saturn retrograde in Virgo has taught me much about the necessity of details and I believe I’m a better writer because of it.

My Saturnian father was Aquarius. It was his Saturnian nature I rebelled against and his airy Aquarian nature that whetted my appetite. Father has been the muse of many of my writings. Father was an enigma. He was friendly and fierce and fiercely independent. And in spite of his outwardly sociability, he kept mostly to himself. He was unpredictable, paradoxical, unconventional, erratic, and a nonconformists. I was four when father set out on the road less traveled. I believe imprisonment taught father the value of freedom and the importance of choices. Father discarded the conventional compass of society in favor of intuition. Consequently, the security my Virgoan mother sought for herself and her children was never found. Father’s pipedreams left mother feeling uncertain and alone. And while father sought comfort in the bosom of Mother Nature, mother sought comfort in a clean, efficient, and well-organized home. Over the years I have come to recognize and value Mother Nature, as well as the need for cleanliness, efficiency and organization in my work and health.

Since December ‘08, I’ve been in a state of purging, restricting, and getting rid of excess baggage and things that no longer serve me. I am trying to make room for a new and improved way of living. It just seems that some things, like work, money and career, are taking much longer and aren’t in my complete control. That’s been the most difficult part of this Pluto/Saturn journey.

Yogis believe in the important of sharing our strengths and not our weaknesses.  And yet the weakest link between what I need and want is my strength. For many years I’ve struggled with friendships giving much of myself and receiving little in return. Yet how difficult it must be for my friends to take my weaknesses seriously when I seldom show them. Still, I’ve come to realize how valuable my strength is to others and think I should be thankful for the gifts I have to offer instead of focusing on what I lack. The burden of strength in the opposition of weakness is not superior but rather is as an opportunity to truly love. Without love and friendship, who am I?

I believe Elsa’s right. It is time to get serious about relationships, especially the one I have with myself. Perhaps failing to take myself seriously is the reason I don’t have a rewarding career. Instead of having confidence in my latent talents and utilizing them in a way that is constructive, like my mother, I hide them and end up taking ‘survival’ jobs instead. And then I wonder why I struggle with issues of deeper meaning and purpose. It’s sad to think I’ve lived the past 43 years aimlessly drifting with no real plan or direction in life. Sure it’s been a wild ride, and to some should be enough. Who hasn’t received the cartoon of the old woman sliding to home base with a cigarette and a glass of wine in her hand with the caption that reads, “Life’s a blast, live it”?  But to me, a person who has lived most of her life feeling deeply dissatisfied and discontent, having no direction is damaging. It’s damaging to my self-esteem and self worth.

In watching the TV show “The End of My Leash” I’ve learned confidence is the result of trying something new, uncomfortable and unfamiliar. A lack of confidence is fear. When dogs lack of confidence they behave aggressively. Humans are no different. Yet unfortunately, or fortunately, confidence does not flood the mind and emotions like a tsunami, but rather slowly like a small steady trickle that eventually accumulates into a much larger body of water. In order to help insecure dogs overcome their aggressive behavior and feel more confident, Brad subjects them to a repetitive series of new and stimulating events. By the end of the show, most dogs overcome their insecurities, display friendly and appropriate subordinate behavior, and everyone is happy.

As a double Aries I suffer from issues of deep insecurities while portraying a steely surface confidence. It’s not that I lack confidence in what I do or know. Yet like the dogs on “The End of My Leash” I too suffer fears from things untried, uncomfortable, and unfamiliar. The only real difference is, I don’t behave aggressively. Instead, I do everything possible to avoid having to face my fears. Perhaps Saturn would rather I show my insecurities and reveal the humanness of my nature so that I can better bond with those I love.

There are many new, uncomfortable and unfamiliar things I’d like to try such as acting, painting, and publishing that book of mine that has sat in its final editorial stages for the past five months. Yet fear holds me back. And, surprisingly, it’s not the fear of failing, but the fear of success that holds me back. For the past 43 years I’ve lived a comfortable and predictable life. I know what is expected of me and seldom rise above it. My behavior seldom escapes the critical eyes of my Virgoan husband who often calls me an underachiever. And he’s right. I am an underachiever. My husband has also accused me of ‘winging it’ on several accounts not fully knowing what I’m doing. Also true. Yet therein lies the two-sided dagger that threatens to slice me with each move I make thus rendering me ‘stuck’.

We’ve all heard and said, “Fake it until you can make it”. And within reason, this is good advice. However, while in the process of faking it, I feel like a phony. And until I make it by feeling authentically confident in what I’m doing, I’m afraid others will figure me out and expose me, such as what my husband lovingly does. It’s that middle ground between faking it and feeling authentically confident where I tremble and falter. It’s not that I believe I am incapable or that I lack the conviction to try. It’s the potential shame of being found imperfect that causes me to stumble. Yet it is the notion of perfection that is my demise. Ask anyone who truly knows me and I’m sure they’ll agree; I’m always searching for the perfect word, the perfect phrase, the perfect gift, and the perfect time. It is the illusion of perfection that causes me the greatest pain. Yet Virgo, the perfectionist, would have it no other way. And if writing is to be one of my many serious professions, I must simply endure the painful teachings of Saturn as it transits through this meticulous and overcritical sign.

“So how is my plan coming?” Elsa asks.

Simple enough, I say. I plan to eliminate my life of the illusion of perfection by allowing myself to feel comfortable in and celebrate my flaws, all the while striving for excellence. I plan to feel comfortable in and accept the flaws I see in others because I know these flaws are merely perceptions; my perceptions. With the strength and attributes of Saturn direct in Virgo, and by adhering to this plan, I know will develop a much deeper unshakable confidence, one that emulates profound love and understanding from the deepest part of my core.