Queen Drowns

Queen Elizabeth II has died. The 82-year-old head monarch was pronounced dead shortly after being found slouched head down in her morning bath of skittles.

It is thought that Her Majesty may have over-used her morning dose of Ketamine, resulting in a dosing head dive into the bath of the multi-coloured sweet treat, and drowning. She was found by her treasured Royal jester of 20 years ‘Sir Papa Concave’, who was devastated by the find. He said “She was taking much longer than usual and gave no reply to my loud innuendo and knocks. So I forced down the door with brute clown force and found her blue as a smurf... though that may have been the skittles. I tried to resuscitate her by shouting all her favourite Bernard Manning Jokes, but it was no use, she was gone. I’m devastated”.

The death of the iconic monarch has stunned Britain and the World. The whole of the commonwealth realm has been put on suicide watch by the military, as many question the wisdom to live. Local bridges and high points have been cordoned off in the UK after grieving families began forming typically British orderly cues and leaping like suicidal salmon. Even clergymen have been rocked by the news, with some giving up their faith in God and the Archbishop of England even proclaiming ‘God is a *****’.

These are predictable reactions for a Queen who has done so much for her country. After being coroneted at the age of age of just 27, her first act as Queen was liberate the country from a long held ban on speaking. The ban had been enforced for nearly a decade by King George VI after he was insulted by a Slovakian vagrant. She was declared a hero by silver tongued liberals and this was a mark for things to come. Over the next 56 years of service, she further endeared herself to the country with acts such as legalising chalk, allowing children to gamble, and opening opium dens on every street corner. Elizabeth also stood firm during various wars, and showed tremendous courage and guide to the nation during the sad demise of rock group ‘The Darkness’.

The Queen’s legacy will live on long in the memory after her sad death. From her past conquests, to her present day charity work for the likes of ‘Jewish Justice’, an organisation which helps to track WW2 Jewish war criminals. She leaves behind a large fortune, thought to be in the region of two hundred million pounds and several caravans. This will stay in the family; however the same cannot be assured about the throne. Rumours are rife that the crown may now be in a direction of change, with some suggesting the monarch position be placed on either eBay or www.jobs4u.com. However celebrity contenders have also been mentioned, with TV presenter David Dickinson and pop star Tom Jones early favourites.

The Queens funeral will take place in around a week’s time. It has been said that it will be a traditional affair, marking the Queen’s lifestyle with heavy metal music and gin on tap. On the day of the funeral the Queen’s clan of corgis will be slaughtered and hung on London Bridge as a customary mark of respect. God knows she deserves it.