Bad Milk

A flurry of freak accidents around Glasgow involving citizens and their milk has brought apocalyptic panic to the city. A new model of milk bottle cap introduced is proving extremely difficult to open without the use of a large knife or garden spade, and has caused hundreds of fatal injuries. So far the majority of the 122 casualties have been tea ***** peg-legged pensioners who take little care in their rush for a brew, and impale themselves in the process… As the death toll mounts like a ***** bull, the repercussions are spreading as the city toils with a fearful yet revenge thirsty general public, and there is very little the authorities can moo.

The first accident occurred just over a week ago, on the day that the new evil bottle lids were introduced. 77-year-old Muesli McMuff attempted to open her milk using an old harpoon form her sperm whaling days in Korea, only for tragedy to occur. Her sexy lesbian lover Donna Quack said, “ We’ve always struggled to open our milk safely, but this new bottle lid was horrendous – even our man gimp Simon couldn’t get it. Eventually we had to try the harpoon… it was so horrible, she died squealing like a burning otter”.

As the death toll mounts, fingers are being wagded accusingly. The main culprit in the eyes of the baying mob is Robert Wiseman, head of Scotland biggest dairy company of the same name. They introduced the model into the market and Robert was accountable. However as protesters posted nasty letters and sang rhyming insults about him, Robert became engulfed with guilt and took his own life by symbolically drowning himself in a bath of milk. He had also tried to take his beloved pet cat Kevin to the grave with him but it bravely drank itself to safety.

Now that Robert Wiseman is no longer around to poke with the cattle prod of blame, attention of hate has turned to anything relating to milk. Farms are being attacked all around the country, with cows even being subjected to crude taunts about their udders. The buying and drinking of milk has also all but ceased, with consumers preferring to produce their own via the breast of an elderly female or pet dog.

Milk propaganders have had us believing that the creamy white substance is as harmless as a sedated titmouse, and simply delivers wholesome goodness on a par with heroin. However what the devious scoundrels don’t tell us are the dangers and pitfalls that come with a luscious pint of ‘The white stuff’, and the potential repercussions for us all. Lets hope a solution can be found, and a bottle of milk can soon be opened without a customary can of worms. cxx