Week #1 - Keeping Up With the Berringers

     I lived on milkshakes and Tang until puberty. Then came Kool-Aid. Remember those creepy Kool-Aid Man commercials? Nowadays my blood’s not fermenting unless I’ve downed a liter of Coke by bedtime. So it’s hard for me to understand you winos. What’s the fascination with rotten grapes?   I want to say you’re being duped, but I don’t want to be close-minded. Anyhow, you’re being duped. Latched yourselves onto the Sideways bandwagon, eh? Duped! Sodas, smoothies, horchata, Kerns Nectar, ice tea, even pomegranate juice—they all can body slam wine in a taste test. They’re easier on the wallet too. For the price of a good cab, you could buy 15 two-liters of coke, 20 if you Costco it. A little advice to you wine newbies out there. If you need a corkscrew to open it, it’s too expensive, it’s too bitter, and it’ll bring you nothing but headaches and hangovers. Stay innocent. Stock up on some Snapple. Knock yourself out on different brands of grape juice.
     You newbies won’t listen though. But why? Why hop into bed with the vine crowd? Tired of seeming unsophisticated? Are you trying to keep up with Berringers? That’s why I’m doing it. My girlfriend hails from a wine clan. My best friend Rico wants a decanter for Christmas. All of my other friends have at least one wine bottle in their house at any given time. I’m tired of being the only one at weddings, kids included, who raises a coke during the champagne toast. I’m tired of Rico mocking me for not knowing that corks come from trees. Everywhere I go, soda gets no respect. Everyone’s a drinker nowadays. It’s chic. And no drink is more chic than wine. So I surrender. I’ve decided to keep up with the Berringers. For the next months, I’m going to drench myself in wine culture. I’m visiting wineries and wine shops. I’m reading books about all things grape. And I’m going to drink the best wines my emaciated wallet can afford.
     First stop, Bevmo. For all of you winos who are too good for Bevmo, screw off. It’s my first week, remember? Bevmo makes it easy for a newbie like myself. You walk in and hooah: 90-point wines for less than $20. No need to ask for assistance. No need to pace around some snooty shop, choosing bottles because they have pretty labels. No need to trust “employee picks.” I don’t even trust my friends’ tips so why would I shell out good money based on what Billy the box boy says. I’ll have none of that. 90-point wines for 20 or less—that’s where I’m at. Bevmo, I’m on my way.