Queen's funeral passes peacefully

Queen Elizabeth II was laid to rest peacefully today, without any of the angry protests predicted. There had been fears that stupid animal rights campaigners would disturb the event in protest at the traditional culling of the Queen’s corgis as a mark of respect to the late monarch, but this never transpired. Beforehand effective precautions were taken and all dog sympathisers in the Greater London area were rounded up and put in kennels in an ironic fashion. Other civilians who resembled dogs were tasered and then tear gassed to make sure that the event also passed them by.

The funeral itself was a touching and fitting occasion for such a remarkable and iconic figure. The former millennium dome was packed to the rafters as thousands gathered to say goodbye. Tickets for the funeral/event called ‘A right royal send off: Sponsored by Utterly Butterly’ were changing hands for up to eight pints of milk, and they did not disappoint. Presenter Andy Peters was as witty and hilarious as always and the quadriplegic circus provided fantastic entertainment all day. Guests also had unique access to typical royal opium and gin tents which proved wonderfully popular, though not without their deaths. A vast array of musical talent was also on display, particularly of the Queens favourite heavy metal variety. Rockers Slipknot and Korn even performed a special duet in honour of her, with a dedicated song called ‘Incestial vibes’.

Celebrity guests were in their droves, with the likes of Jeremy Kyle and Des Lynham leaving those around them star struck. The celebrity girls also grasped the chance to impress and show off the best of their wardrobe. Kate Moss arrived doused in the blood of a baby giraffe, whilst Liz Hurley had herself skinned for the occasion. However none of these stars shone quite bright enough to distract the attention from the main event, saying goodbye to a monarch legend.

Elizabeth II had wished her ashes to be shot to the stars when the time came, and no wish was too big for a Queen. A specially arranged super cannon was ready to blast her coffin to Pluto, though only after the minister had stopped blabbering incoherently. The send off was magnificent and awe inspiring, with the majestic sparkling lights and thunderous noise drowning out the rapturous applause from the crowd. Though the coffin never made it too space and simply fell from a high height into the river Thames, the sentiments were there for everybody to see and feel. A great Queen being launched from the planet she blessed and onto a new World of possibilities.

The official GMTV television pole to elect the next monarch has been making interesting progress. David Dickinson is still ahead with 26% of the vote, but morning TV Queen Trisha Goddard is making remarkable strides and is only two percent behind in the lead. Ant & Dec were yesterday sensationally disqualified for allegedly breaking into TV headquarters and tampering with the pole. They were only found out after their 282% lead led to suspicion. Poling ends once everybody in the World has voted. Dial 0900 80085 80085, calls cost £1.50 per minute, calls from phones will cost considerably higher.