Upside Down

It’s no secret I advocate peace as I secretly wage war on myself in a daily attempt to achieve it. My preferred weapons of choice are criticism, wit, and sarcasm. My greatest war lies not in external factors so much as internal precepts lain down through generational ideologies and behaviors that often live in contention, and of which I have become amply conditioned. Seldom do I escape the struggle of my need for acceptance of originality versus my need to be obedient, to clone and fit in.

In childhood I performed yoga in motion, though my grade school teachers and the world called it gymnastics. I quickly discovered I wasn’t interested in the continuous flow as much as I was in the understanding of each asana or pose. Yoga connected me to my body in ways no other activity could. I began to notice how my body eased more gently into some poses while I struggled horribly with others. I soon discovered holding my breath each time I did a wheel or back walkover yielded poor results. Try as I may I could never quite master the one handed cartwheel. I could never quite coax myself to breathe, relax and let go. I was entrenched in the need for control. By the time I was twelve, my mind was amply conditioned to the critical voices that told me, “NO!” Unfortunately, the deeper I emerged into adolescence, the deeper I rebelled against no, could, would, and should. Adolescent rebellion took me away from the angst of yogic practice into more insidious practices like drug and alcohol abuse. Sixteen years passed as the seed of yoga lie dormant. It took thirty-seven years, a trip around the world, one failed marriage and long line of failed jobs and relationships before a tiny ray of light found its way to the dormant seed. From that seed spawned a deep inner need to overcome obedience and rebellion between the dictates of what should be, could be, would be, and what is. All that I had witnessed and experienced of violent abuse came to a head. Enough was enough. It was time for real change.

I began practicing Kundalini yoga and discovered certain asanas released grief and shame that oftentimes resulted in crocodile tears. Occasionally I wailed loudly though never quite understood why. I knew nothing about physiology so set about to learn. I took a course through the Durham Family YMCA and certified in Group Strength Training. Learning ignited an conflagration that oftentimes threatened to consume me. Never before had I felt such passion or life. I quickly grew into a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and information on muscles, nerves, bones, ligaments, tendons, the central nervous system, the brain, memory, and the science of diet. I studied alternative medicine, herbs, and tinkered with my vegetarian diet. Yet I often returned to the path of the conditioned beliefs are difficult to break. Part of the process of letting go is in learning how to unlearn all those fears that are supported by should, would and could. Too often my eager desire pushed too hard, too fast and spiraled out of control. Yet I quickly realized the more out of control I became, the more I developed self-control. The more out of control I became, the deeper I breathed. Breath became my greatest strength and helped push me through invisible barriers of fear.

Yet it wasn’t until I did a headstand two nights ago that the precepts of no, should, would, and could finally began to shake loose. It was the first time I’ve done a headstand since childhood. Of course I didn’t just do a headstand overnight. I’ve actually spent considerable time and energy over the past six years exploring inhibitions and building up to the art of letting go while regaining control. There is tremendous fear associated to standing on one's head, mostly the fear of a lack of control, falling and getting hurt. But there are also unconscious fears not readily indentified, such as the fear of not being rooted to the ground and of having our perceptions turned upside down. In the beginning doubts and fears crept in and shook me to the core. My body waivered as familiar critical words told me I couldn’t, shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t. Yet, with intention firmly in tact, I connected more deeply to the life source within. Soon I was lost in the ebb and flow of silent in-breath and oceanic out-breath. Fear fell from my central nervous system, muscles, sockets, skin and bones. Breath allowed my shoulders to plant firmly, my upper back strengthened, my core tightened, and my mind emptied as my legs grew slowly yet firmly to the sky. My body steadied as each could, would, and should let go. As I stood upside down like an uprooted tree with foundational roots exposed to all, it suddenly occurred to me that the path to peace is rife with war and that in order to win the war one must first surrender. Surrender happens when your world turns upside down.

photo courtesy of Yoga Training You http://www.yoga-training-you.com/free-yoga-poses.html 

Recommended reading:

How to Perform a Headstand http://www.wikihow.com/Perform-a-Headstand-(Yoga)

Supported Headstand http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/481