There are 10,000 sexy bicycles in Beijing

Nights and weekends used to be an idle and lonely time for the un-attached single battalion. Some did various activities to tackle boredom like thinking, drinking or shoplifting. That was until someone more imaginative came along and changed that, middle-aged Robert Stewart who introduced the concept of having sleazy sex with bikes.

Since the story broke about his intimate times with his beloved Raleigh three speed, a cult following has ensued. Studies show bike usage and ownership amongst males in the UK is up by around 25%, with the rate of divorce following in a similar pattern. Many ‘bikers’ are self confessed and proclaim their joys with peaceful marches, t-shirts and horns. The non-inclined observers simply ask, why? David Jenks, head of ‘The sadal sodomisers’ and a recent divorcee and bike sex enthusiast said: “What is the point in having a wife when I can have my bike? It’s sturdy, un-bruisable and gives no back chat. Plus my bike doesn’t care how I stay out, how much I earn or how fat I get... unless I want it to. Bike sex has allowed me live my life care free and how I desire. “

The practise and liberation of bike sex has been common practise in China for the last 50 years and were Robert Stewart first grasped the concept on a business trip. It was introduced to Beijing around 1955 as way to combat over population and has been fairly successful. Many bike brothels known as ‘sheds’ were introduced and since, it has been common practise for young Chinese men to lose their virginity to a bicycle. Now it seems the wheels are turning, and the UK is next for a generation of saddle loving rust lickers.

However although the act itself is usually peaceful and consented, fears have arisen that some people are illegally exploiting it. Hundreds of disgusting yet popular websites have popped up on the internet were users can gander at pictures of bikes as young as two years old. They can also arrange local outdoor ‘Tour de *****’ meets, like the heterosexual ‘dogging’ only a bike is passed around by desperate men, opposed to a drugged female. Meanwhile Halfords have reported consistent trouble in the crowds of middle aged men who mob their stores at opening to gander at the bicycle range. Riots and thefts are regular and in one branch, they were robbed of all their catalogues. Police found many of them crusted and soiled in near by woodland, whilst others made it onto the black market.

Bike sex may sound disgusting and peculiar, but like the gays, it’s something we are all going to have to get used to. It’s a growing trend that should be treated with respect and comes down to personal taste, reflection and judgement.

Each to its own it’s said, but I’d rather have my bed than a shed. A bike may be quiet and no need for a diet, but its never going to give me head.